The Woes of Itachi
by dark-angel-rising
Summary: In which Itachi faces his worst enemy. Be afraid. Be very afraid...
1. Meeting and the terrible revelation

Itachi Uchiha raised an elegant black eyebrow as he stood before the leader of the Akatsuki.

"Please repeat." He said. The leader sighed and began again.

"Your partner Kisame, is going through a midlife crisis. You have been assigned a new partner until he recovers. I will introduce you two very soon."

"Kisame needs to toughen up. Midlife crisis… damn." Itachi muttered, annoyed that his partner was actually _that_ weak.

The leader growled. "You were the one that fed him Shark-Fin Soup, Itachi."

"He was asking for it!"

"That doesn't justify that you made him into a self-hating, cannibalistic, blubbering idiot."

"I didn't turn him into an idiot. He was that long before I ever met him."

"Just shut up and let me introduce your new partner." The leader snapped at him, before turning to entrance of the dark cave.

Stepping into the cool shadows was a figure already clad in the black and red Akatsuki cloak. The person glid over to the leader and Itachi and the Uchiha saw that his new partner was a woman.

Not just that, she looked a little older than his brother and her long black hair and listless dark eyes made her look like she was half-dead. Not too intimidating, but creepy nonetheless.

"Itachi Uchiha," Itachi thought her heard a little giggle, "meet your new partner, Tsukiko Miyashi. Also known as the Undying Moon."

The girl nodded numbly at him and drifted away into a corner to inspect a splatter of blood. Itachi looked at her incrediously.

"Are you sure that she is qualified to be in Akatsuki?" He asked, as she stared at the stain in fascination.

"Yes." The other nodded, "She killed off her entire town because they wouldn't accept a rule or something she made up. Rather silly really, but still at the age of ten… Plus she's really pretty, and not like Deidara. He just wears a lot of makeup." (Somewhere Deidara sneezed getting a bunch of snot on Sasori's favorite puppet. The ex-Sand nin glowered hatefully at his teammate.)

Had their leader been anything other than a leader of an S-ranked criminal organization, he would have had hearts swirling around his head.

'And all I did was murder my whole family and torture my little brother.' Itachi thought sourly, feeling that he was no longer special.

"Well, will you please show Tsukiko to her quarters?" Asked the leader before disappearing in shadow. Itachi inwardly rolled his eyes.

He turned to call his new teammate over, but found himself already face to face with her. He shuddered inwardly, as he was an Uchiha and Uchiha's didn't do many things publically. Including shuddering, rolling their eyes, eating, showing emotion, and showing more personality than a leaf, but I digress.

Tsukiko's huge blue eyes stared at him blankly and he idly wondered if she was mentally retarted.

"This way." He said, turning away from her unwavering gaze.

That night Itachi was lying in bed, entertaining himself with images of death when he heard a tiny little squeak. Had he been an ordinary ninja he would have passed it off as the house settling, but it just so happened that he was an elite S-ranked criminal who lived in a cave because the Akatsuki didn't pay as much as originally thought. In fact, most of their finances went into food and nail polish, as well as play-dough for Deidara, but once again, I digress.

The squeak seemed to have come from his closet, so her quickly pulled out his shiny new kunai that he found on the body of one of his victims and liked, and flung it at whatever it was that made the noise.

There was a loud thunk sound as metal collided with bone and then silence. Getting up he turned on the light, which took about three month's pay to install, and looked at the face of the intruder.

He was shocked to see that it was in fact his new partner, Tsukiko. She was dressed in shuriken pajamas and was impaled against the wall, the kunai going through her forehead, and her right hand clutched something tightly. Just as he stepped forward, Tsukiko's body moved. She reached up and tried to pull the kunai out, but the knife was stuck and she finally gave up, looking at him dolefully.

"Little help?" She motioned to the kunai and he pulled it out somewhat reculantly. The wound immediately healed itself, sucking the lost blood in as well.

She blinked at him before dashing out of the room leaving the oldest of the remaining Uchiha standing in his closet.

Itachi crept to Tsukiko's room, listening as she appeared to be having a conversation with herself.

"The sacred shroud. Now I have it."

Using the skills that earned him the title of leader of the ANBU he looked into her room and found the girl clutching some sort of cloth in her hands.

She unfurled it and from his hiding place Itachi choked on his spit.

His boxers. His Akatsuki boxers.

Horror washed over the normally cold and cruel Uchiha, and it was in that moment that he realized that his worst nightmare had come true.

A fangirl. A fangirl had infiltrated the Akatsuki.


	2. Convert to Itachiism! Or DIE!

Many thanks to:

Sweetest Possible Revenge, and Ashen Rose Shadow

DAR: **Throws Itachi plushies** Because I love your supportive reviews!

* * *

Last time, on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_Horror washed over the normally cold and cruel Uchiha, and it was in that moment that he realized that his worst nightmare had come true._

_A fangirl. A fangirl had infiltrated the Akatsuki._

* * *

Itachi had never been more miserable. Nor had there ever been a time that he missed Kisame. 

Tsukiko was without doubt, an insane, rabid, creepy, and worst of all, undying fangirl. The young missing nin scowled as she followed him around through the streets of Random Village #3.

"Can you not follow so close behind me?" He hissed, as he could practically feel her breath on his neck. The weird girl stared at him blankly, before bowing.

"As Itachi-sama wishes, Tsukiko-chan will do gladly, for Itachi-sama's word is law."

Itachi's eye twitched. 'There has to be some way to relieve myself of this pest!' He thought furiously, as Tsukiko began to chant a prayer to him, drawing the attention of the village's small population.

Being the uber-evil genius that he was, he thought of his options. However, no matter how hard he concentrated, her creepy chanting kept drilling itself into his head.

"All hail Itachi-sama, our one and only God, for if he didn't exist, the world would fall apart!" Oh God she scared some off the villagers into singing the choir! "So convert to Itachi-ism, 'cuz Itachi is our God!"

He growled, having to restrain himself from activating the Mangekyo Sharingan, as he feared it wouldn't affect her anyway. (plus everything looked kinda pink after he finished using it.)

"Must you keep doing that?" He finally ground out, glaring at her, as she started giving out handouts about Itachi-ism and subtly threatening the villagers to convert or else...

"Does Itachi-sama dislike his religion? I can make adjustments." With that she whipped out a notebook and started scribbling in it.

"What days do you think that prayers should be conducted, I was thinking at least once a day, but may that would hinder productivity."

"What productivity?"

"Building shrines and temples in honor of Itachi-sama and his endless kindness, for he graces the lives of us pathetic mortals each and every day." Tsukiko said, blushing radiantly with excitement.

Itachi shook his head, pulling his straw hat further over his head and shuffling away into the sanctuary that is a bar. He had a feeling that as long as Tsukiko Miyashi, a.k.a. the Undying Moon was his partner, he would be needing a great amount of alcohol to keep himself from killing everyone in sight.

* * *


	3. Hidan, and Building a Church for Dummies

Many thanks to: Evie-Chan589, Torame, and RedFirePhoenix!

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi!_

_Itachi shook his head, pulling his straw hat further over his head and shuffling away into the sanctuary that is a bar. He had a feeling that as long as Tsukiko Miyashi, a.k.a. the Undying Moon was his partner, he would be needing a great amount of alcohol to keep himself from killing everyone in sight. _

* * *

Itachi woke up the next morning to the sounds of a heated argument. As he came closer to the origin of the voices, he recognized them as those of Hidan, and the subject of his lately recurring nightmares, Tsukiko.

"I'm telling you that your religion on bogus!" Hidam screamed, trying as hard as he could not to curse. (Leader-sama had employed the use of a swear jar after Hidan had temporarily traumatized Tobi).

"Oh yeah? What's so damn great about yours?" Tsukiko yelled, stomping her foot childishly.

"Your religion is based solely on worshiping a living being! It makes no sense! There's no philosophy, no goal other than to worship a guy who you think is the shit! " Hidan replied, dropping a coin into the swear jar and smirking at Tsukiko as he made his point.

Tsukiko looked over to where Itachi was hiding. In a flash, she was dragging him along, her small hand keeping a vice-like grip on Itachi's wrist. She shoved him in front of her, smiling proudly.

"Oh yeah? At least my god EXISTS!"

With a satisfied air, she turned and walked away, singing the chorus of her 'Ballad to Itachi-sama'. Itachi and Hidan stared at her retreating back, before Hidan turned to the eldest Uchiha.

"May Jashin-sama have mercy on your soul, you heretic." With that the silver haired missing nin turned around and strode away back to his room, leaving Itachi gaping (Inwardly! Inwardly people!) after him.

'But I didn't do anything!'

* * *

"What exactly are you doing?" Itachi asked tiredly, all hope of recovering his bruised, beaten, and stomped on ego having been erased when Tsukiko commented that seventy-two hours of torture with the Tsukiyomi tickled. Damn undying fangirl.

"I'm building a church."

"A church."

"Mmhm." She hummed a mindless tune as she stacked bricks (that she probably stole) into something that vaguely resembled a building. Sort of. Actually, not really. "Itachi-sama is God, and yet he has no church in which people may worship in his divinity and awesome powers. Something must be done, Itachi-sama!" She had stopped building and turned around facing the landscape, her creepy voice steadily rising as she became more and more zealous. "The masses will all flock to this church and we shall all worship in your eternal glory! And I, Tsukiko-chan, whose devotion to you comes before her own immortality, am the only one who can build your house of worship! Oh Itachi-sama, please watch me as I build in your name! Tsukiko-chan shall prevail, and soon, Itachi-ism will be the only religion in the world! I will personally punish all the heretics and torture them in the most sickening and deplorable ways imaginable! I will skin them alive! I will roast them in garlic! I will cut off their fingers one joint at a time and pour salt on the wounds! For that is the punishment that Hell will wreak upon them for not believing in Itachi-sama and his greatness!"

Her stirring speech over, she turned to where Itachi was, a look of expectation in her dark blue eyes. She was looking at air. Itachi was nowhere to be seen.

"Itachi-sama? Have you gone to gain followers? How noble and merciful of you, Itachi-sama! I will work twice as hard to please you! Tsukiko-chan will finish building the church today! Watch me, Itachi-sama! Watch Tsukiko-chan work in your name!" She threw herself into her work, spouting comments about the greatness of Itachi-sama that the author simply cannot understand even though she is writing this, but I digress.

From his hiding place, Itachi watched as Tsukiko continued building her "church" and couldn't help but let a small shudder (he really hoped no one was looking) as his partner attacked the large pile of bricks with a war cry worthy of the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki.

'This will be my end.' He though forlornly, closing his crimson eyes and heaving a sigh of suffering. 'I will die trying to escape from that monster. My fate was sealed the moment I made Kisame that soup. I brought this all on myself.'

* * *

Author's Note:

I have decided that Tsukiko-chan is a really creepy mix of Excel Excel and Gai-sensei. Honestly I didn't mean to make her like this, but you must admit that there are just too many similarities between Gai and rabid fangirls. Perhaps he was a rabid fangirl in a past life. But it is a fangirl of whom that is the question that I pose to you today, my dear readers.

Eh, what else what else...

After looking it up, it seems to me that Hidan's hair is silver, however if it's not, please let me know.

This chapter was temporarily delayed while I searched for Jashin's name. Sorry about that!

Oh yes, what village is Hidan from? At first I though that he was from Rain, but then I found a picture of a closeup on his hitae-ate and it's obvioulsly something else. A mystery. Well, if you know, please tell me, since he might me making a return in this merry little story, and I might need that informaiton.

Next update will depend on the reviews, so please send many my way!

DAR

* * *


	4. The Lesser Known Obsessions of the Moon

Many Thanks to: Evie-Chan589 and I love everybody! Hopefully more people will review this time around!!

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_!

_'This will be my end.' He though forlornly, closing his crimson eyes and heaving a sigh of suffering. 'I will die trying to escape from that monster. My fate was sealed the moment I made Kisame that soup. I brought this all on myself.'_

Itachi stood on the stone head of the First Hokage, looking scary and impressive because even though it was noon, the sun outlined him, all laws of physics and basic logic having fallen into a convenient plot hole. Somewhere, theme music was playing,

The young genius' eye twitched slightly in irritation.

"Would you stop that?" He growled, turning to look at his partner, who was holding a portable CD player over head. Tsukiko frowned.

"Does Itachi-sama disapprove of his theme music? I made it myself. Perhaps you would like something louder and more glorious to represent your greatness…"

Itachi tuned her out, and returned to staring at the sprawling village that had been his home. In afterthought, this wasn't a very good idea. Tsukiko didn't have an adequate definition of the word 'discrete', but unfortunately, this was unavoidable. Leader-sama was becoming impatient because he and Kisame were the only team that had not captured either of their Jinchuuriki. At least Tsukiko wasn't very noticeable, not like Kisame and his damn fish face.  
Honestly, what kind of freakish union made a guy with blue skin and gills? Mother-fucking GILLS?!  
Internal rant aside, he made a dramatic sweep with his spiffy cloak and descended into the village, followed by the beast of Hell that plagued him with her words of adoration and worship.

Itachi had never felt more nervous in his life. It seemed to him that any sudden movement would cause Tsukiko to go screaming his name through the streets of Konoha. Which was not something he needed, being an S-ranked criminal and all.

However, even with Tsukiko remaining quiet the entire time, word had apparently gotten out about important criminals wearing black cloaks with red clouds on them. Damn Leader-sama and his inability to think up uniforms that didn't scream "LOOK AT ME! I KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO, RAN AWAY FROM MY VILLAGE AND AM NOW ON A QUEST TO KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT CAN SPROUT TAILS AND TURN INTO ANIMALS! LOOK! LOOK! THE BOUNTY ON MY HEAD IS ENOUGH TO LET YOUR GRANDCHILDREN LIVE IN PROSPERITY!"  
So anyway, their uniforms were recognized, unsurprisingly, and several Jounins poofed over to intercept them, including Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, and Anko.  
"Uchiha Itachi," Kakashi growled, his own Sharingan revealed and rotating slowly. "Where is your partner, kisame? Don't tell me he's already dead."

Itachi didn't reply, wondering if he could get them and Tsukiko to kill each other and spare him the agony of being near her a moment longer.

Suddenly, the young woman stepped up, walking slowly towards the legendary copy-nin.

"I swear by all that I hold dear that I will devote myself to the support of Icha Icha Paradise and unconditioned love for Jiraya-sama and his work."

Kakashi's eyes widened and he repeated the phrase. As the bewildered Jounin and criminal looked on, the two bowed ceremoniously to each other and left, discussing the latest book in the perverted series.


	5. On The Subject of Love

Many thanks to: UponYourBloodyCross, Evie-Chan589, Sublime Angel, and Daikiri Souma

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_!

"_I swear by all that I hold dear that I will devote myself to the support of Icha Icha Paradise and unconditioned love for Jiraya-sama and his work."_

* * *

Itachi's eye twitched as Tsukiko's hushed whisperings reached his delicate ears. Her nose was currently buried in _Icha Icha Tactics Special Platinum Edition. _He glared at the not-so-innocent little book that hid the girl's face. Because of it, he had to spend two days in too close proximity of a large number of people who wanted him dead. However, they had finally set out accompanied by Kakashi, who had cheerfully told Itachi that if he dared to return, he would meet a very sticky end at the hands of some very violent, blood-thirsty, and emotionally unstable ANBU. It should be noted that about ninety-nine percent of ANBU fall into that criteria.

So now, they were at a small road-side inn far outside Konoha's borders, and Tsukiko had decided to spend their short break reading the previously mentioned not-so-innocent book, and giggling occasionally.

It didn't help matter that Tsukiko had changed the male protagonists name from 'Ryuuga' to 'Itachi', and his love interest's from 'Junko' to 'Tsukiko'.

"Itachi stared through half-lidded eyes at Tsukiko's gently parted, cherry blossom-pink lips, his breath itching in his throat as he wondered how those lips would feel against his own."

Itachi desperately tried to block out her voice, cursing his ears for being so damn sensitive.

Damn them to hell.

Apparently Tsukiko had seen his look of irritation and stopped reading, looking at him thoughtfully.

"Does my version of _Icha Icha _displease you, Itachi-sama?"

"Yes, very much." Itachi said, glad that maybe Tsukiko finally understood his dissatisfaction.

"Is that because you prefer members of the same sex?"

Itachi sputtered, Sharingan eyes wide in shock. "Wha-What?"

"Do not worry, Itachi-sama, I am not upset. Here, Tsukiko-chan shall change it to suit your preferences." She looked down at the book. "Itachi groaned as their bodies touched, sending bolts of electricity up and down his spine. Against the wall, Deidara moaned, his hands sneaking up Itachi's shirt, fingers ghosting over the sensitive skin."

"Aggh!"

"Itachi-sama? Are you alright? Perhaps the pairing displeases you. There are many others though. Or perhaps you would prefer being uke as opposed to seme?

"Ack!"

"But then again, Itachi-sama is too much of a seme to be a proper uke, even though you look perfect for the job...

"I'm not gay!" Itachi screamed, eyes now impossibly wide.

"Tsukiko-chan suggests that you do not bottle up such emotions. Denial is not healthy for anyone, not even a god, Itachi-sama."

"I'm not in denial! I'm not gay!"

"Tsukiko-chan understands your predicament, Itachi-sama. Incest is often looked down upon."

"I'm not in love with my brother! I hate him, and will kill that annoying pest the nex-"

"There is a fine line between love and hate and it is called lust."

"I don't not lust for my brother!"

"Tsukiko-chan understands.  
Sasuke's breath came rapidly as they broke for air, his normally pale face flushed. "A-Aniki..."

"Stop it! I'm not gay! I don't secretly or otherwise want to do anything to my brother unless it involves killing off the last member of our pathetic clan! Understood?!"

He stood up huffily, berating himself for loosing his cool.

"Come on. The Four-Tailed Beast must be captured."

"Ooh! Goody! Does that mean that I get to do it?" Tsukiko cheered, the conversation regarding Itachi's sexuality already forgotten.

"Yes. That is your assignment."  
'Hopefully you and the Yonbi will kill each other and leave me in peace.' He thought sulkily.

* * *

Author's Note -

The subject of Uchihacest never ceases to amuse me. Um... well, the next chapter is kind of vaguely floating around in my head, and after that, everything will be updated pretty quickly, because most of those chapters are pretty much done. I'm hoping to finish this before August! However, I may be more inclined to update faster if I got lots and lots of reviews...

So...

Please review! And I'll send Itachi plushies your way!

DAR


	6. When it comes to capturing Jinchuuriki

Many thanks to: Kasek, and Evie-Chan589

Whoo! I got this chapter out pretty fast! I'm so proud of myself!

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

"_Come on._ _The Four-Tailed Beast must be captured."_

_"Ooh! Goody! Does that mean that I get to do it?" Tsukiko cheered, the conversation regarding Itachi's sexuality already forgotten._

_" Yes. That is your assignment."_

_'Hopefully you and the Yonbi will kill each other and leave me in peace.' He thought sulkily._

* * *

Seeing as Uzumaki Naruto had once again, mysteriously disappeared into a plot hole labeled 'Training With Jiraiya Even Though He Doesn't Really Learn Anything New,' Itachi and Tsukiko were on a journey to Iwagakure to capture Tsukiko's assigned Bijuu. 

Now, the reader may wonder why Deidara was assigned to Sunagakure instead of his home village, and the answer to that is that Deidara's mother still lived in Iwagakure. Deidara's mother, who specialized in Earth jutsu and had strength that rivaled Tsunade-sama. Deidara's mother, who was still pissed that her precious baby boy ran away from home. Suffice to say that Deidara would not willingly return to Iwagakure in this lifetime.

Anyway, the point is that they were going to Iwagakure to capture a Bijuu called Yonbi. The Four-Tailed Chicken. The author will now take a moment to pause to feel sorry for the poor Jinchuuriki that was saddled with that as its demon.

Tsukiko was delighted at the journey to the Land of Stone and kept talking happily about converting all the heathens to Itachi-ism. Itachi happily ignored her.

It was steadily becoming dark, and Tsukiko started complaining about how she was afraid of the dark and wanted to stay in a hotel. Itachi tried to ignore her, as he couldn't possibly believe that a girl who willingly ferreted around in his pitch-black closet could be afraid of the dark.

However, Tsukiko's voice was growing to an unbearable pitch, and after counting and combining their meager savings until they had enough for a room, they entered a small, conveniently placed hotel. Itachi was positive by now that this was all planned from the start by that damn fangirl.

"Yes, we would like one room please!" Tsukiko crowed happily, hanging off of Itachi's arm.

"One or two beds?" Asked the elderly lady at the reception desk.

"One, please. We're newlyweds."

Itachi's eye twitched a little. "Two beds please."

"Oh don't be so boring, darling!" Tsukiko scolded, smiling at him sickeningly.

"Two beds, please." He persisted.

"Ignore him, he's so shy. Isn't it cute?!"

The old lady coughed politely, and showed them the filled up guest book. "I'm afraid that I only have one room available, and it has only one bed."

In an alternate dimension, the world of writers and all those related, the Cliché Patrol's radar blew up from the high frequency.

Itachi huffed, displeased. "It doesn't matter. You're sleeping on the floor."

Tsukiko began to complain loudly as they set off down the hall on their quest to find their room.

Alright, so it wasn't really a quest, but it was a small adventure, because Itachi misread the number and they ended walking in on a couple er, exercising their reproductive organs. Yeah.

So anyway, after much screaming and banging, they arrived in their room, which by cliché inn-in-the-middle-of-nowhere standards, was not in the best state of hygiene.

The point was that it was pretty dirty. Unclean. Unsanitary. The kind of place where instead of a complimentary chocolate on your pillow, there is a dead cockroach. Generally, very icky.

"Itachi-sama! I cannot sleep on this floor! Look at it! It is not fit for a heretic, let alone your closest follower." Tsukiko exclaimed, throwing her hand to her forehead in a swoon, before launching into a long an pointless rant that will not be recorded simply because, as stated earlier, it is long and pointless.

Itachi dutifully ignored her and was about to remove his cloak when a thought occurred to him. Tsukiko might see this as an invitation for something inappropriate, and might try and put the ideas from her accursed little book to practice. So he opted to sleep in his clothes, and with another annoyed huff at a slightly hurt Tsukiko, he drifted into what constituted as sleep in the Akatsuki. In other words, he was awake except that his eyes were closed.

When Itachi woke up, he immediately felt that something was wrong. Opening his eyes, he caught sight of slightly messy, blue-black hair spilling over his pillow. His eyes traveled downward, and he saw a still sleeping Tsukiko wrapped tightly around him.

The part of his mind that wasn't running around in circles panicking, observed that she was like a python. With hair. And curvaceous female anatomy that was pressed tightly against him. Well, now we know that he's not gay.

Then again, we can never be sure...

At this moment, the author is pelted with various sharp, pointy objects thrown by the legions of Itachi fangirls each of whom is hoping that Itachi would take her as his bride, so she can have his red-eyed babies.

Moaning softly, Tsukiko stretched luxuriously, and blinked open wide blue eyes. Itachi felt his inner self commit seppuku.

"Good morning, Itachi-sama," Tsukiko mumbled, yawning widely (Itachi noticed that her canines were a little too long) and snuggling into his chest. "What's for breakfast? 'M hungry."

"What are you doing in my bed?"

"Well, Itachi-sama, first of all, it's rude to answer an question with a question, secondly, it occurred to me that I paid for the room, too, so I get to share the bed."

Itachi couldn't argue with that logic, however, it didn't mean that he didn't try.

He launched into a long and eloquent discussion of Tsukiko's spending habits and strange penchant for sampling things from every tea house, thus wasting money, when about half-way through it he realized that she wasn't listening, but staring intently at him with faraway eyes.

Itachi decided that it was in his best interests to shut the hell up.

After breakfast, which consisted of plain rice and tea, they were off once again, to find the Wizard of Oz, oops, the old dude with the chicken. The chicken dude. The four-tailed clucking wonder.

Yeah.

"Itachi-sama! Are we there yet?" Tsukiko whined, for the fourteenth time. The Uchiha prodigy sighed tiredly and replied that no, they were not in Iwagakure yet. They'd know when they would be in Iwagakure because there would be people there. People, not rocks and lizards.

He pointedly ignored her when she said that perhaps the population of Iwagakure was turned into rocks and lizards by a wizard from another dimension.

Where did she come up with these things anyway?

The day of traveling was a blur to Itachi, Tsukiko's chanting slowly drilling into his head and pounding away at his brain cells.

"Shouldn't you be formulating your battle-plan against the Yonbi instead of talking about wizards?" He finally asked, hoping to get his partner to do something constructive for once.

Tsukiko blinked owlishly at him.

"But I can't die, Itachi-sama. No matter how many times the enemy kills me, I get up and keep attacking until they are exhausted. There is no limit to the times that I can resurrect myself. It's something as natural as breathing."

'Of course, you're so annoying that you must have been killed often before you came to torture me.' Itachi thought bitterly.

"Then your chakra is unaffected?" He asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. Tsukiko looked a little uncomfortable.

"I don't see the point in using my chakra in battle. It isn't something that I need." She looked like she really didn't want to talk about it, as if it there was something else that she wasn't telling him.

Itachi decided not to press the issue, and the rest of the journey was blissfully quiet.

* * *

Knock Knock. 

The two dangerous criminals were currently standing in the rain outside of a small house in Iwagakure, both soaked to the bone and neither very happy with the current weather.

"I mean, I thought that the Land of Stone was a desert, and just when I'm thinking that it would be a good opportunity to catch a little sun before we have to go into that gloomy old cave and it starts raining!" Tsukiko complained, trying to look as threatening as possible while soaking wet.

Itachi sighed tiredly "You're confusing it with the Land of Wind, and even there there's little sun, just sandstorms and crazy little kids that run around with gourds on their backs talking to their dead mothers."

Tsukiko shrugged and knocked, no, pounded on the door again. "Well, I think that we should come back tomorrow or something. It doesn't seem very villainous of us if we look like drowned rats by the time that old fart opens the door."

"I would appreciate if you did not refer to me as a drowned rat." Itachi muttered.

"I'm sorry Itachi-sama! Tsukiko-chan will from now on will refer to herself while describing this predicament as a drowned rat, while you, oh great and honorable, and worshipful Itachi-sama, will be a damp rodent of most honorable nature and breeding!"

'That's not better!' The inner Itachi moaned, 'Not in the least!'

Finally, after much more pounding on the door, it opened revealing an old man in a house kimono. An open house kimono.

Tsukiko covered her eyes, horrified, and Itachi looked away politely, his inner self commenting snidely at how unvillainous he had been acting in the past two days or so. I mean, first it was not slicing Tsukiko up into tiny little pieces when he found her sleeping with him, and then holding a somewhat sane conversation with her first about her battle plans, and then about the weather in the Five Countries, and what's this? Now he granted an old man privacy to pull his kimono shut? He had obviously been hanging around with Tsukiko too much, all the praise and claims that he was kind and merciful went straight to his head.

"Old man whose name I don't care to remember," Tsukiko said authoritatively, "we are the Akatsuki and we are going to take you with us, knock you out, and then slowly and painfully remove your soul from your body, and will later use your soul to take over the world, or something to that effect."

'My god, why don't you tell him your address and chest size while you're at it.' Itachi thought rudely.

"We will take you to our secret cave somewhere in the Country of Fire and you will lie before the creepy statue and have the soul sucked out of your body. As we are to now fight, I will not tell you my bust size as I prefer to keep my enemies guessing and to get distracted."

'Creepy. Yeah she's definitely creepy. Creepier than she was a couple of day ago anyway.'

The old man seemed pleased with the news. "Kinky." He said, grinning lecherously, and leering at Tsukiko in a way that only certain old men with strange and unpleasant habits leer at young and fairly attractive members of the opposite sex.

"Excellent, does that mean you will be coming with us queitly and without struggle?"

"Babe, if you're into that whole gagging thing, I'm cool with it."

"Most excellent." Suddenly, a kodachi flashed out from under Tsukiko's cloak and was slammed hilt-first against the old man's head. Said old man slumped to the floor. Leaning down, Tsukiko grabbed him around the collar of his kimono and began to drag him back onto the road.

She turned back to smile pleasantly at Itachi, who was still trying to process everything.

"See, Itachi-sama, I'm done. And I didn't even have to die."

* * *

Author's Note - 

Woo! This is the longest chapter yet! There's about 10 chapters left, and will be updated pretty fast from now on, so please feed my ego and leave tons of reviews. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!!!

Um... I don't know for sure that the Yonbi is indeed a chicken, but I saw a picture of it on photobucket and sort of got the idea from there. I thought it was a ripoff how Kishimoto-sensei didn't show any of the fight between Kisame and the Yonbi. Haha, not that I know anything, I'm just an insomniac wierdo who writes fanfiction and in her spare time works. Sort of.  
Uh... yeah.  
On a more recent note, I DON'T WANT DEIDARA AND TOBI TO DIE! sobs pathetically They're so cool! And they're a cannon pairing! starts singing they belong together!  
Kisa: Stop butchering well-known songs! Less singing, more working! MUSH! Get that crap of a chapter for 100 Drops of Blood and EDIT! EDIT 'TILL YOUR BRAIN ROTS AND SPELLCHECK TAKES OVER YOU MIND! YOUR MIND!!!  
Kaguya: Please excuse her, she's just a little crazy. It involves an energy drink and grapefruit. Please don't ask. For your own safety. Just don't.

DAR


	7. In which there is yakisoba and screaming

Many thanks to: Kasek, Skilled defence, Evie-Can589

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_She turned back to smile pleasantly at Itachi, who was still trying to process everything._

" _See, Itachi-sama, I'm done. And I didn't even have to die."_

* * *

And so, the two unlikely partners, though really they (read: Itachi) didn't have much of a choice in the matter, arrived at the Akatsuki base, dragging along an unconscious Yonbi. Itachi was as apathetic as usual about returning to the base, because it meant that his room in the hideout would be a mess, and his underwear drawer would be empty. It also meant that Tsukiko would sneak into his room every night and root around in his closet. He was not looking forward to the coming week. 

However, business was business, and our reluctant hero followed his exuberant partner into the cave.

They were greeted by Deidara (whom Itachi couldn't look in the eye, the pervert in the back of his mind clinging to the mental images) and a hyper Tobi who was wearing a crown of flowers on his head.

"About time you two showed up. Leader-sama has been threatening to cut electricity if you were gone any longer, yeah." Deidara said, smacking away Tobi, who just tried to glomp him.

"Hello, Dei-Dei-chan! What's for dinner?" Tsukiko said, dumping the Yonbi unceremoniously on the floor. The artist raised his eyebrow at the nickname, but ignored it. They had been warned by Leader-sama that Kisame's replacement as about as weird as they come.

"Rice and whatever else Kakuzu makes. It doesn't matter. It's toxic anyway, yeah."

"That is unacceptable! Itachi-sama is God, and as such, he must eat proper food! Itachi-sama! Answer quickly and in a concise manner! What is your favorite food?!" She screamed, pointing at Itachi dramatically.

"Yakisoba." He said after a terrible and generally awkward pause in which Tobi started to dance.

"Wait for me, Itachi-sama! I shall bring you back a mountainful, no TWO mountainfulls of the best yakisoba in the Five Great Shinobi Countries! Wait for Tsukiko-chan and bless her with your divine powers!" With that, she sped off, still raving and ranting on her merry insane way. Deidara sweatdropped.

"And I thought Tobi was a spaz, yeah." Tobi fell over and started laughing.

"You don't know the half of it." Itachi said tiredly, heading over to Leader-sama's bedroom to try and find him underwear.

* * *

Dinner was... interesting. 

Mostly it involved Zetsu muttering to himself and Deidara yelling at Tobi for throwing food at him, and generally acting like an idiot and ruining the somber and dangerous atmosphere with his antics. Deidara liked his atmosphere.

Yeah.

Fortunately for Itachi, Tsukiko's impromptu quest for yakisoba was taking a while, and as such, she was absent. Still, he hated Kakuzu's cooking, because Kakuzu was a miserable and money-grubbing crank that didn't believe in spices. Or expiration dates.

However, at that moment Tsukiko came flying through the door with an ear-piercing warcry. In her arms was yakisoba. A large thermos full of yakisoba.

Itachi was torn between joy and despair.

"I'm sorry Itachi-sama!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Please forgive Tsukiko-chan for her failure! The money I found could only pay for his much, but it is by far the best and most expensive yakisoba in the Five Countries! Please try it!"

Itachi cheered (read: sighed resignedly) as his Super Delicious Rice and Curry Surprise (This was a misnomer, unless Super Delicious meant dry and pasting vaguely like dirt, however, Kakuzu had a tendency to give nice names to his creations in an attempt to make them look appealing. ) was thrown to the ground.

Itachi took a reluctant bite out of the yakisoba and had to resist the urge to moan.

The author would like to take a moment to point out once again that Uchihas do not do many things in public, including moaning erotically over various foodstuffs no matter how delicious they may or may not be.

This was the best yakisoba he had since before his little defection from Konoha. Kakuzu eyed the yakisoba suspiciously.

"Where did you get the money for this?" He demanded a blushing and slightly twinking Tsukiko.

"Oh, I found this little suitcase filled with money lying around in the cave, and so I asked myself if Itachi-sama would approve of me taking it for him, and I knew that he would and I did..."

"You. Took. My. Money?"

Kakuzu looked as if his world just ended.

And then it did.

Screaming, and in a blind fury he launched himself across the table at Tsukiko. Itachi barely had time to rescue his yakisoba.

* * *

Author's Note - 

See? I told you I'd update quickly! Well, I don't have much to say... so...

Please review!

DAR


	8. In which actual work is accomplished

Many thanks to: Skilled defence, Kasek, and Evie-Chan589

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_Kakuzu looked as if his world just ended._

_And then it did._

_Screaming, and in a blind fury he launched himself across the table at Tsukiko. Itachi barely had time to rescue his yakisoba._

* * *

"Ten thousand nine hundred and ninety beers in the cave, ten thousand nine hundred and ninety beers, take one down, pass it around, ten thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine beers in the cave! Ten thousand nine hundre-" 

For the love of all the art in the world, SHUT THE HELL UP, YEAH!" Deidara screamed, looking extremely frazzled and annoyed.

The entire organization was currently on their assigned spots on the statue, all doing their part to extract the Yonbi from its container. It was at these moments that Leader-sama wished he advertised more so that they wouldn't spend three days standing in the same place.

"I'm sorry, Dei-dei-chan, would you like me to sing something else?" Tsukiko said sweetly, smiling in the near dark of the cave.

"I want you to be quiet, yeah." Deidara muttered sullenly.

"I think we all do." Kakuzu grumbled, sending evil glares in Tsukiko's direction. The incident with his money being spent on yakisoba was fresh in his mind.

Disappointed, Tsukiko quietened, and watched in slight interest as far below them, the old man screamed. After about five minutes of blissful silence, she started humming a familiar (to Itachi anyway, the others hadn't been 'blessed' with her singing as of yet) song. "... for if he didn't exist, the world would fall apart!" She sang lowly, her voice rising in a crescendo that echoed through the dark cave, "So convert to Itachi-ism 'cuz Itachi is our GOD!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SHUT UP ALREADY!" One half of Zetsu shouted from the other hand. "I like her," the other half muttered, sounding like a kicked puppy.

"DID I ASK WHETHER YOU LIKED HER OR NOT?!"

The two sides began to argue loudly, and Leader-sama had to stop himself from slapping his head in exasperation. Why was it that he ended up hiring wierdoes?

* * *

Anyway, after the ritual was completed, there was a great rush for the bathroom, which involved lots of screaming, biting, and kicking. In fact, the only person that didn't take part in it all was Zetsu, who was munching on the old man's leg, and commenting how tough the meat was. 

Though everyone was generally very happy after the ritual was over, because three days of standing in the same place make you reall appreciate having legs and using them. However, Itachi was most definetly not pleased. Oh, not about the bit with the legs, in fact he was very pleased with that, but about Tsukiko now able to pursue him again. In fact, he spent the first day after the ritual running away from her for fear that she would hug him to death. And with Tsukiko that was a definite possibility.

To his pleasure, Leader-sama had informed him that Kisame's condition was steadily improving, and that he would be released from the loony bin sometime soon. Itachi was delighted. Just a little longer, and he would be free of Tsukiko forever, though he sort of would miss the spontaneous worship of his person and the ground he walked on. But what he didn't know was that while the end of his suffering seemed near, it was in fact, very, very far. And was about to move even further away.

* * *

Author's Note - 

Well, that took a little longer than I thought, because I couldn't really think of anything to put in this chapter, even though the whole ritual thing was necessary. Uh, yeah... so, since I don't have any announcements, or random chatter, I will go and shut up now...

Please review, ar else you shall find Zetsu at your door. A hungry Zetsu. With a spork. A sharp spork.

Yep.

Review!

DAR


	9. A visit to the looney bin

Many thanks to: Kun'aii, Evie-Chan589, Skilled defence, yuroshima, greenteamoose

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_To his pleasure, Leader-sama had informed him that Kisame's condition was steadily improving, and that he would be released from the loony bin sometime soon. Itachi was delighted. Just a little longer, and he would be free of Tsukiko forever, though he sort of would miss the spontaneous worship of his person and the ground he walked on. But what he didn't know was that while the end of his suffering seemed near, it was in fact, very, very far. And was about to move even further away._

* * *

"I don't see why this is necessary," Itachi said, crossing his arms and frowning at Leader-sama. "He is an adult who probably won't appreciate anyone seeing him in that condition." 

"Yes, I'm sure he'll be devastated, however, that does not change the fact that you need to visit him and ascertain his mental health." Leader-sama explained in a tone meant for a child, and Itachi didn't appreaciate that. No one treated Uchiha Itachi-sama like a child and lived! Maybe he should stop listening to Tsukiko's ramblings.

"Fine." 'Asshole. ' He thought bitterly as he walked away.

"And take your partner with you." Leader-sama called after him.

"Yes Sir." At that moment, Inner-Itachi threw a colossal temper tantrum. Itachi had never been prouder of his vocabulary of foul and derogatory words.

* * *

Itachi never liked hospitals. That was really the main reason why he was such a great ninja, whenever he was about to get hurt he thought of hospitals and ended up killing everyone. Huh. Funny. Not that he'd ever tell anyone, especially in the Akatsuki, that his greatest fear was a big building that helps people. But that does make sense... I'm a way... A twisted strange little way...

Anyway, he stood together with Tsukiko in front of the main entrance, wondering why it was that Tsukiko's face practically glowed with radiance and joy. She answered his unspoken question.

"Tsukiko-chan is so excited! She finally gets to meed Kisame-san! Tobi-chan said that Kisame-san is very funny. I hope he likes Tsukiko-chan."

They made their way into the hospital, and following the confusing directions given to them by a rather dumb-looking nurse they came to Kisame's room. As they were about to go in, a doctor came out of the room.

"Oh are you friends of Kisame-san?" He asked, smiling pleasantly at them. Itachi's eye twitched. He would have prefered to be perfect strangers with Kisame and his great fish face. He was about to come up with a sharp, witty, and downright cruel comment, but Tsukiko beat him to it.

"How is Kisame-san doing?" She asked, false concern oozing from her voice in great big obvious lumps. The doctor didn't notice it.

"He seems to be doing better, but I must say that he was a total wreck when he came here. It seems that he has several mental disorders, we have now discovered that he is is suffering from anxiety disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive compulvice disorder, along with his understandable fear of fish. He also seems to have a strange desire to hug weasels and fear of the color green. It's a bit strange really... However, he has been doing well, and had been actively participating in the help and support groups."

At this, Itachi perked up. "Actively participating in help and support groups, huh?"

The doctor smiled, "oh yes, in fact he the most enthusiastic. He really is a wonderful man. I have never seen someone so excited about the knitting circle."

Itachi was barely holding the evil laughter back. As soon as Kisame was well enough, there would be black-mail galore! Besides, this was payback for Kisame constantly stealing his posessions.

"May we see him?" Tsukiko asked, her eyes shining.

"Of course."

The doctor stepped away and tottered off to do doctorly duties, and the two entered the room. It was small, but not uncomfortably so, and was painted a clean white. Kisame's Samehada, his pride and joy, was wrapped up and leaning against a table near the window. Conspicuously far out of reach. The shark man was lying on the simple white bed, ' knitting a fluffy pink... something. It may have been a sweater, but one couldn't be sure. Suffice to say that Itachi's eyes were highly offended by the pink mass. He felt his world slowly start to collapse.

Kisame looked up and smiled cheerily. "Hello Itachi-san, I'm so glad you came to visit." The I'm-a-homocidal-maniac-that-wants-to-kill-you-and-your-babies tone was completely gone. He smiled, revealing his sharp white teeth, but the smile held no malice either. It was a perfectly nice smile. His teeth looked cleaner. Itachi was jealous. Someone was getting spoiled in the mental hospital. He wondered if Kisame should even be accepted back into the Akatsuki after this. There were rules. One of them explicitly stated that knitting was a no-no. Killing a person and removing their eyes with knitting needles was alright, questionable, but acceptable. But KNITTING was just... just... wrong.

Itachi sat by the door as Kisame and Tsukiko chattered happily, looking nothing like the murderers they were supposed to be. Itachi was quite vexed by this, but endured it until Kisame started talking about dressing up that Itachi practically dragged Tsukiko out of the room. She however, didn't seem to have any problems with that.

"Ooh Itachi-sama, where are you taking me? Are you gonna shove me into the supply closet and have your way with me? I promise I won't resist. Unless you're into that..."

"We're leaving! NOW!" He snapped, his patience worn out. Tsukiko's attempts to seduce him didn't lighten his mood.

Tsukiko had, blissfully, fallen silent, and was curently looking around suspiciously.

* * *

"Kitting huh?"

"Yes, Leader-sama, I saw it with my own eyes."

"Well so much for him coming back."

* * *

Author's Note-

The end is pretty crappy in my opinion. Oh well. The next chapter will be up tomorrow. I swear. It's already done.

DAR


	10. In the Name of God Good and Sushi

Thanks to: greenteamoose, Evie-Chan589, and Kun'aii

Horray for super fast updates! Woo!

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_"Knitting huh?"_

_"Yes Leader-sama, I saw it with my own eyes."_

_"Well so much for him coming back."_

* * *

The hospital was near silent, save for the occasional scream or moan from it's inhabitants. 

Under the cover of the night, and true to her nature as a shinobi, Tsukiko lurked in the shadows of the hospital, her Akatsuki cloak absent, and sporting a grinning kitsune mask over her face, and a small satchel over her shoulder.

After making sure that there was no one around, she leaped up onto the windowsill of Kisame's room, and peeked inside.

The shark man was peacefully asleep, a bottle marked 'Horse Tranquilizers' sat empty on his bedside table.

"Good, everything is going as planned," she said quietly, so to not wake up her prey, and slid her window open. "I'm sorry, Kisame-san, but this is for the best. I'm afraid that danger is approaching Itachi-sama, and wants me to protect him." She thought that over for a moment. "Well, he just doesn't know it yet. But he definitely needs me. Oh yes..."

Silently, she edged closer to his bed, staring intently at his peaceful, fishy face.

Getting started quickly, she reached into the satchel and produced several small, black plastic trays filled with supermarket sushi.

The author now feels it necessary to make a comment. The author adores sushi to the point of calling it the food of God, but it will be a pleasant day in hell before she eats supermarket sushi without gagging.

"I'm sorry, Kisame-san. Please don't think badly of Tsukiko-chan. It's all for the best." She surrounded his head with the food, and reached back into her pack.

She pulled out a large manila envelope marked, 'PETA: Fish are friends, not food.'

Inside there were shots of sharks and fish being captured and cut open, as well as sharks having their fins removed to make shark fin soup. She dutifully pasted them all over the small room, so that they were the first things he saw as he woke up. Finally, she extracted the last item from the bag. It was a carefully sliced piece of tuna, and after biting the end off, she gently prodded the rest of it into Kisame's mouth. Smiling in triumph, she looked down at the still sleeping Kisame and slipped out of the window and into the night.

In the morning, Kisame woke up, smiling at being one day closer to sweet freedom. But what was with that strange taste in his mouth? He opened his eyes and was greeted with a horrible and gruesome sight. Everywhere around him were images of death suffering, of fish and sharks being mutilated and killed for the pleasure of humans. He looked down on his lap, and saw to his horror, a piece of tuna, bitten off at the end. Around him were trays of sushi stacked on his bedside table.

Tears came to his eyes as he screamed a long, shrill, ear-piercing scream. Somewhere, Rock Lee and Gai-sensei's damsel in distress alert rang, loud and clear.

* * *

Itachi frowned at a positively innocent-looking Tsukiko. 

"It was you, wasn't it?" He asked tonelessly. Tsukiko beamed at him.

"Tsukiko-chan doesn't understand what Itachi-sama is referring to." Itachi sighed and went to his room, slamming the door in her face as she tried to follow him.

Had it all been a dream? Had he not visited Kisame only yesterday to find him happily knitting away at that pink monstrosity? Had all hope of Kisame recovering, from both the trauma and the hospital, been lost overnight?

"Itachi-samaaaaa! Why is there a door in Tsukiko-chan's way? Should she smash it? She will okay?! Itachi-sama?" Itachi barely suppressed a groan.

* * *

Author's Note -

About the PETA thing, shout out to my good friend Kenia who is probably not going to read this anyway. I give her a hard time because she's a vegetarian and I'm a hardcore carnivore. Yup yup. And Kenia, if you are reading this, please stop passing out animal cruelty pamphlets and stickers at lunch. It's not so much disgusting (my mom's a doctor, I have a high tolerance for nasty crap) as annoying. And it makes me hungry too...

I've decided that this story will actually have a real plot, and not just a bunch of shit and giggles. See if you can find the painfully obvious plot. PLEASE REVIEW!

Uh, the next chapter is gonna be kinda hard, since my plans of making fun of Leader-sama's face were ruined last week. Kishimoto-sensei has bad timing!

DAR


	11. The Face of the Ultimate Evil

Many thanks to: Skilled defence, Evie-Chan589, greenteamoose, Kun'aii,

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_"Itachi-samaaaaa! Why is there a door in Tsukiko-chan's way? Should she smash it? She will okay?! Itachi-sama?" Itachi barely suppressed a groan._

* * *

The look on Tsukiko's face made Itachi want to run for the hills. Screaming was optional. She looked like a cat that swallowed a bird sanctuary, and possibly someone's baby. Well, she definitely looked conspiratorial and evil. 

"Hey Itachi-sama, what does Leader-sama's face look like?"

Itachi was stumped. To be perfectly honest, he didn't know. He was pretty sure that he didn't want to know either. Rumor had it that Zetsu only had one personality until he saw Leader-sama's face. Deidara often told Tobi that story to give him nightmares.

"It's a secret." He replied lamely.

Tsukiko looked at him dubiously, her dark blue eyes boring into his own. All time seemed to stop. Suddenly the serious expression vanished from her face and was replaced by a stupid smile. "Okay, Itachi-sama! It's a secret!" Still smiling like she had been hitting Zetsu's shroom closet a little too hard, she bounced away, chanting, "it's a secret! It's a secret! Secret secret secret! Yaah!"

Deidara walked up to Itachi, both watching the strange girl running around in circles. "So what's with her today?" Itachi shrugged, walking away, "she wants to see Leader-sama's face."

Deidara choked on his spit. "Don't you know what happened to Zetsu?"

"So?"

"Do you really want her to be more messed up in the head than she already is?"

Itachi thought about that for a minute. A vision of Tsukiko carrying a banner proclaiming her love for him screaming at the top of her lungs, 'I love you ITACHI-SAMA!!! I wanna have your baby! I got a your name tattooed on my butt! You wanna see it?!"

Shuddering, Itachi followed her quickly, hoping that he wasn't too late. Luck must have been on his side, because he encountered Tsukiko along a deserted hallway. Stopping is a way that made his Akatsuki cloak flutter impressively, he examined Tsukiko's awestruck face.

"Itachi-sama..." She whispered, staring at him with wide eyes, his head bent over hers, her head flung back to stare into his vermilion eyes with her own own azure orbs. He leaned forward, past her flushed face and whispered into her ear,

"I'm sorry, Tsukiko, but I must ask you to not look at Leader-sama's face. It is dangerous, and I wouldn't be able to bear it if my dear follower was hurt."

'Please don't make me kiss her.' He thought, unable to even think about the implications, and Tsukiko's behavior afterwards.

"I'm sorry, Itachi-sama," Tsukiko said in a small voice, pushing him away, a delicate blush on her face, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "But you are God and I am but an unworthy follower," she looked up at him, heartbroken, "and besides, I already saw Leader-sama's face."

As if on cue (which it probably was), Leader-sama rushed in, his habitual cloud of darkness surrounding his head, and his eyes practically glowing with rage. Before Tsukiko could utter a word, she was sliced in half, her legs crumbling beneath her.

"Ow!" She yelled, waving her arms indignantly. "You know, I may be immortal, but that doesn't mean that cutting me in half doesn't hurt!" Twisting around on the floor she started shoving her innards back into her body, grumbling about how people are just so rude these days.

Leader-sama, meanwhile, huffing in a useless attempt to calm down glared at Itachi. Itachi found that also to be quite rude, as he had nothing to do with this... incident.

"Itachi," Leader-sama ground out, "I have much respect for your talents and for that reason, I will not kill you, but you and your _partner_ will get out of our base until I contact you again. If you do not, I cannot guarantee either of your safety."

Although Itachi was perfectly fine with leaving Tsukiko here at the mercy of Leader-sama, he quickly pulled Tsukiko up by her arm, with minimal protest from her due to the fact that she was still healing her spine.

* * *

As they exited the oh so wonderful and comfortable cave, Itachi looked over at Tsukiko, who was fiddling with a bell on her hat.

"Did you really see his face?" He finally asked.

"Of course I saw his face. Leader-sama wouldn't have been so mad otherwise. He ruined my favorite shirt." Tsukiko replied, putting the hat back on and pranced ahead, turning around and grinning like a child. A particularly terrifying child that might be the main antagonist of a movie with a title like Child of the Devil, Things That Go bump In the Night, or The Exorcist: The OTHER Version.

"So what did he look like?" He asked, his curiosity getting the best of him.

She waved her hand over her head like an ear. "Like a kitten. He was very cute. And he even had ears too. But you could barely see them in his hair. I wonder of it itches to have hair tickling the insides of his ears all the time." She continued to rant on happily, describing in great detail just how positively adorable Leader-sama was and how she couldn't understand why he didn't show his face to everyone.

"I shouldn't have asked." Itachi muttered, shuffling miserably after the oblivious kunoichi.

* * *

Author's Note -

Wow it's been a while since I updated, huh? Well, four AP classes are pretty demanding and I'm still trying to get used to all the extra stuff I have to carry around with me. I'm surprised that college students don't spend their free-time at a chiropractor's getting their back realigned. Anyway, yes, I know that it's kinda short, and I will update soon. Hopefully within this week, after that, every other day probably, since those chapters are already done.

Please review!

DAR


	12. Humilation

Many thanks to: greenteamoose (the only person to review (gives Itachi memorabilia))

Now where be the rest of ye? I get hits but no reviews! Ah the madness!!!

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_She waved her hand over her head like an ear. "Like a kitten. He was very cute. And he even had ears too. But you could barely see them in his hair. I wonder of it itches to have hair tickling the insides of his ears all the time." She continued to rant on happily, describing in great detail just how positively adorable Leader-sama was and how she couldn't understand why he didn't show his face to everyone._

_"I shouldn't have asked." Itachi muttered, shuffling miserably after the oblivious kunoichi.  
_

* * *

They had been on the road heading north for almost two days. During those two days, Tsukiko hadn't stopped apologizing over and over again for making Leader-sama angry and for getting them kicked out from the base. Though Itachi knew that if he had intervened in her plans, they would not be in this situation, that didn't mean that he accepted, or even acknowledged any of her apologies. 

Who knew that the great Uchiha Itachi-sama was so petty and childish?

"Itachi-sama! I'm sorry! Please punish me! Please! Whatever it is I can take it! Boil me! Drown me! Set me on fire with your Amaterasu! Please, I beg you!" Tsukiko screamed tearfully, running around in circles.

There was a sudden, barely audible rustle in the trees above them, and a streak of white and purple shot out of the green foliage and landed in their path.

"Uchiha Itachi! Now is the time for our battle! You will not leave this forest alive!" Sasuke yelled, pointing dramatically at his older brother.

"Itachi-sama, who is this badly-dressed villain?" Tsukiko asked innocently, pointing at a fuming Sasuke.

"It's the normal Sound Ninja uniform!" The teenager snarled defensively.

"That is my stupid little brother." Itachi replied in a monotone, his ears ringing slightly from the extra noise that they had to put up with.

"Really? But I thought he was in Konoha. When did he stop being such a preppy boy?"

"Hey! I'm short on time! So fight me already! The times before were all practice, but today I will kill you once and for all!" Sasuke yelled, jumping down and sending his super-nifty-all-purpose katana at his older brother's heart. In the blink of an eye, Tsukiko flung herself in front of the blade, and collapsed dramatically at Itachi's feet.

"No, please, Itachi-sama, don't cry for me..." She choked, reaching up to him. "I did this because this world cannot exist without you, Itachi-sama, and if the sacrifice of one worthless follower will protect you, then I will gladly die a thousand times over." Itachi had enough.

"Get up and stop acting like a fool." He said, kicking her in the ribs for good measure.

Sasuke watched dumbfounded as Tsukiko, grumbling under her breath, pushed herself off the ground and began to tug the blade out of her chest. "B-but I hit you in the heart! Why aren't you dead?!" He exclaimed, as the sword fell to the ground with a muffled clang. Tsukiko brushed the dirt from her clothes and smiled sweetly at the teenager.

Itachi frowned. "This is Kisame's replacement. Miyashi Tsukiko. She appears to be an immortal." Tsukiko wondered why he didn't sound happy about the last statement. Surely God would be happy that his most loyal and wonderful follower couldn't die? She shook her head. She shouldn't worry about such silly things.

"Since you're Itachi-sama's follower too, Sasuke-kun, I will now initiate you into Itachi-sama's circle of apostles, currently with one initiated member, Tsukiko-chan! You've come at a very convenient time, when there are positions available!" She ran toward him and Sasuke, panicking, sent his katana through her again. This time she didn't even wince, and kept coming toward him, arms spread in welcome, a smile on her face. crying out in fear, Sakuke directed his katana to pierce her several times more before she fell on him, smothering him in a hug.

"A-aniki! Help! Get her off me! She's not dying! Aniki!!!!" Sasuke screamed at the top of his lungs as Tsukiko continued to glomp him, cooing into his ear. Using all of his powers, Sasuke escaped her hold. Grabbing his sword he leapt into the trees, yelling, "This isn't over Aniki!" before disappearing into the foliage as if he was never there.

* * *

Author's Note -

THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT!!!

HAVE YOU COME ACROSS A STORY WITH SUCH A HORRIBLE MARY-SUE THAT YOU NEEDED TO EXRACT YOUR LUNCH FROM THE DEPTHS OF YOUR STOMACH? HAVE YOU EVER FLAMED A STORY SO MUCH THAT YOU'VE RUN OUT OF SWEAR WORDS TO PROJECT YOUR DISGUST? THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU!THIS IS YOUR CHANCE FOR REVENGE COURTESY OF ME!!! I AM LOOKING FOR MARY-SUES TO ENCORPORATE IN MY STORY AND (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP)

Kisa: Stop giving away the plot!

DAR: sorry

HERE ARE THE REQUIREMENTS:

HAS TO BE FROM NARUTO.

HAS TO LIKE SASUKE.

HAS TO BE UNBEARABLE AND PLASTIC. (THE MORE THE BETTER)

PLEASE EITHER SEND ME THE URL FOR THE STORY OR A SHORT PROFILE ON THE MARY-SUE. (STUFF LIKE PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, LIKES, DISLIKES, POWERS, ETC.) THIS IS TO BE SENT BEFORE THE 14TH CHAPTER COMES OUT. AFTER THAT, PLEASE DON'T BOTHER.

* * *

Well now that that's over with, some random chatter.

Haha, Sasuke got pwned by Tsukiko! Yaaay! Nah, I love him but sometimes he's such a drama-queen. I don't think he'll make another appearance in this merry little story again though.

Oh well.

PLEASE REVIEW AND SEND IN YOUR MARY-SUES! ONLY THE MOST AWFUL LITERARY CHARACTERS WILL BE CHOSEN!

DAR


	13. A Look Into the Past: A Horror Story

Many thanks to: ExplodingChickenOfDoom, MuShAbOoM ChIcK, Unluckykat13, greenteamoose

Alright, sorry, I had to repost this. I went back and read over it and found about five paragraphs missing. So I posted again. This time everything's intact. I hope. Enjoy!!!!

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_! 

_"A-aniki! Help! Get her off me! She's not dying! Aniki!!!!" Sasuke screamed at the top of his lungs as Tsukiko continued to glomp him, cooing into his ear. Using all of his powers, Sasuke escaped her hold. Grabbing his sword he leapt into the trees, yelling, "This isn't over Aniki!" before disappearing into the foliage as if he was never there._

* * *

After what seemed like days of traveling, Itachi and Tsukiko arrived in a small town nestled between tall cliffs and a deep ravine that must have gone down hundreds of feet.

To be honest, it was the ruins of a small town, and almost all of the buildings were destroyed and the townspeople had either moved away, or were dead, as the suspicious white rocks protruding from the earth suggested.

Tsukiko's face grew serious, and her hand attached itself painfully to Itachi's wrist, and she dragged him along with her into the ruins.

They walked along the wide main street, Tsukiko being abnormally quiet, and Itachi wondering what happened to cause such destruction.

They finally came to a medium-sized house whose roof had collapsed partially. The floor was littered with broken furniture, dishes, and knick-knacks. The Shoji doors leading to the veranda were broken, the rice paper scattered over the ripped tatami mats like white ribbons. On a side table there was a family photograph, the glass broken as if someone had punched it. In the photo was a tall, strong-looking man in civilian clothes, though Itachi could tell that behind the mild, unassuming smile was a warrior. From the man's muscular build he was probably a samurai, or at least trained in the art of swordsmanship. His arm was wrapped around a pretty woman with long black hair, and smiling eyes. She vaguely reminded Itachi of his mother, whose life he took with his own hands.

The two adults' hands were resting on the shoulders of a young girl, possibly seven or eight years old, with long black hair and blank blue eyes. It was...

He turned suspiciously to Tsukiko, who had wandered into the kitchen and was rummaging in the cupboards looking for food.

She turned around slowly, and in the faint light her eyes seemed to glow a hellish red.

"Welcome to my home, Itachi-sama."

From her shadowed form, unpleasant evil aura was leaking. A lesser man would have soiled his pants and run away screaming.

"Your home?"

"Yes, this is where I grew up."

'Funny, Itachi thought, 'I imagined there to be more padded walls.' "Why are we here?" He asked. Tsukiko shrugged, and tapped the lid of a can of peaches with her nail.

"You lead us here, Itachi-sama. And since we're here, Tsukiko-chan thought that we could stay for the night. It's been nearly six years since I was here last."

"There's still enough daylight to travel five more miles. There is no reason for us to stay here." He said, putting the photograph back where he found it. He looked over at Tsukiko, who was staring at him blankly. Suddenly he heard a small voice whispering softly into his ear. "You want to stay here... It's nice here... You want to stay here..."

He shook his head, the voice fading away. "Hypnotism will not work on me."

Just then, a crash of thunder sounded in the distance. The sound of rain hitting the house followed immediately afterwards.

Tsukiko looked like Christmas had come, and featured Itachi in tight red leather pants.

With an annoyed huff, Itachi sat down on the floor, crossing his arms under his cloak.

Tsukiko inched forward, and slid her arms around him.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked, watching her from the corner of his eye.

"Itachi-sama, don't you know that this is what's called a 'Blanket Scenario'? It's a basic concept in fanfiction. When two characters are stranded together during a storm, secret feelings are exposed and," at this point she slid her hands inside his cloak, "so do other things as well."

With a swift motion he sent her flying into the far wall with enough force to send her into the next room.

"This is not a blanket scenario no matter how much you wish it to be." He said as she stepped back into the main room, fixing her broken arm. After a pause he looked around the room. "So what happened in this town?" Tsukiko sat down, "It's a long story..."

* * *

"_Tsukiko-chan! Be careful today and don't go near the ravine, okay?" A woman called from the from the front door, as her little six year-old daughter tore off to play. The child turned her head and called back, "Okay Ka-chan!" and disappeared around a corner. The woman sighed and turned to her husband as he finished his breakfast. "She's growing up so fast, it seems that only yesterday she was wriggling around on the floor."_

_He smiled and stood up, wiping his mouth. "She's still a little kid though, she comes to our room when there's a storm and everything."_

"_I guess, but it just seems that these past six years flew by, doesn't it?" _

"_Yes, time has a way of doing that."_

"_Hey Tsukiko! I bet you're too scared to go over by the ravine!" A little boy with sandy blond hair and a band-aid on his nose yelled pointing at the black-haired girl. His friend, joined in, "Yeah, Tsukiko! You'd never do that! You're too much of a GIRL!"_

_Tsukiko flushed angrily and lunging forward and tackling the second boy. "You take that back you jerk!" She screeched, as he struggled to get away. _

_The first boy pulled her off his friend, and began to laugh. "We won't take it back until you go over there, scaredy-cat!"_

"_I'm not too scared to go to there, just watch! She turned around and marched to the outskirts of town, to the edge of the drop. _

_The ravine had been there longer than the town. People used to say that it was where a sword of a god cut into the earth, but it was only a fairytale. Some people said that this was the work of a Bijuu, but no one really knew the truth. There had been numerous attempts to measure to depth of the ravine, though no one had ever touched the bottom, the most anyone ever got down there was about two hundred feet. It was a dangerous place to be around, and the townspeople had fenced it off, but there were still those to came too close to the edge. Adventurous teenagers used to sneak over and climb down to a large rock sticking out of the side of the wall and sit there to smoke and drink._

_Tsukiko walked over to the very edge and cautiously looked over into the dark abyss, then, with a triumphant smile she turned around to the two boys. _

"_Ha! You see? I'm not scared!"Suddenly, the rocks beneath her feet crumbled under her weight and she tumbled over the edge, a look of surprise in her blue eyes._

_She was falling, the bright blue sky growing further and further away as she was engulfed by the darkness. Tears ran down her cheeks as she fell, and she screwed her eyes shut, praying for the first time in her life to whatever deity that watched over her. 'Please help me... I don't want to die..."_

_When she opened her eyes again, she was on the bottom of the ravine. She was sure it was the bottom. The sky was little more than a thin scar over her head. She checked to see if she was injured, like her father taught her, and was surprised to find out that she was perfectly fine, there weren't even any scratches or anything. She looked up at the distant sky. _

"_Wow," she whispered, awed, "I'm alive." She walked over to a wall and after feeling blindly around until she found something to hold on to, and began to climb._

_When she climbed out of the ravine, it was nearly evening. Dusting off her clothes, she watched, amazed, as her hands, covered in cuts and scratches only moments ago, healed. Smiling, she ran home, wondering if her parents were worried about her._

_When she came around the familiar corner, she saw that there was a large crowd gathered around her house, and many of the people were crying. Taking another route, she sneaked in through the garden and pressed her ear to the Shoji._

_In the living room, her mother was crying bitterly. A voice, the Elder's, she realized, was trying to calm her father. _

"_I don't care if it's dangerous," her father yelled, "I need to go down there and bring her back! She's our only child, I think that we deserve the right to bury her and let her be at peace!"At his words, her mother cried even harder._

"_Please, Miyashi-san, I understand your grief, but I cannot let you risk your life for, forgive me for saying so, a corpse."_

_There was the sound of flesh meeting flesh. _

"_How dare you say that?" Her mother said, her voice shaking with emotion. "How dare you say that about my child? How dare you!?" She screamed, with rage that didn't suit her. Tsukiko had enough._

_She stepped back and roughly slid the doors open._

_Her parents turned to look at her with surprise and fear. The Elder paled and clutched at his chest for a moment._

_Suddenly Tsukiko was wrapped in her parents' embrace, her mother's tears soaking through her shirt. Her father's arms were shaking. She didn't understand._

"_Ka-chan? Tou-chan? Did I do something bad?" She asked, twisting to look at her parents' faces. Her mother released her for a moment, still holding her shoulders, and looked at her daughter with tears in her eyes._

"_Yes, you did a very, very bad thing. You made us worry very much. So don't ever do that again." She hugged her again, and Tsukiko closed her eyes, and leaned into her mother's embrace. "Okay."_

* * *

_In the end, they didn't question her about what happened. They just assumed that the boys were hallucinating or something, though they insisted that they saw her fall. For the next month or so, Tsukiko's mother made her sleep in her parent's bed, like she did when she was younger. Her father explained to her that her mother was just really happy that Tsukiko was alright._

_Around Tsukiko's ninth birthday, news came from Konoha that a child prodigy, and heir to the Uchiha clan, Uchiha Itachi murdered his whole clan and left the village. It was all anyone would talk about for weeks. Because their village was near the outskirts of the Country of Fire, the townspeople were very worried about what the annihilation of Konoha's genius clan would do, and how many invaders from other countries would come to take advantage of Konoha's weakness. ANBU came and told everyone that if they were to see him, that they should get away from him. 'A heartless murder like Uchiha Itachi would have no qualms in taking the life of innocents and civilians.' They said, and showed a picture of Itachi. When Tsukiko saw it, she suddenly knew why she was given her mysterious powers. It was to serve this person forever._

_She began to worship him, and as her adoration for him grew, so did the town's suspicions of her. They all thought that she was insane for loving someone so cruel and heartless. So the next year, when she came to the Elder and demanded that the entire town change religion to Itachi-ism, she was refused, and her parents were called to talk to her._

_The fairly civilized talk in the Elder's house became a screaming match between father and daughter at their own home._

"_I don't want to hear any more about you ridiculous little obsession with that traitorous bastard!" Her father yelled, slamming his fist on the table._

"_What do you know? You and everyone else in this town are a bunch of ignorant heretics that refuse to acknowledge Itachi-sama's greatness!" Tsukiko yelled back, her eyes, strangely blank since the day she supposedly fell into the ravine, narrowed in disgust at her father._

"_Do not call that monster Itachi-sama!" He bellowed, "That asshole deserves nothing more than the deepest pits of hell for what he did!"_

_Tsukiko didn't reply, her head lowered and her eyes hidden. Finally she began to speak, her voice cold and furious. "If you think that Itachi-sama belongs in the deepest pits of hell, _Otou-san_," She looked up at him, hatefully, "then so do all of you!!!" Without warning, she turned to the photograph they all took together two years ago and punched it. She held up her bleeding fist, and smirked as the blood was sucked back into the wound and it closed. "My powers were given to me to help Itachi-sama, and all of you are in my way!" _

_Whether it was from the tone of her voice, or the crazed look in her eyes, Tsukiko's father grabbed his wife's hand and dashed for the door, as Tsukiko followed them, slowly. Because they would all die today, all of them, and running wouldn't save them._

_When Tsukiko woke up, she was standing in the remains of the town square, a bloody sword in her hand and surrounded by bodies that were either slashed into ribbons or little more than an odd collection of body parts painted in bright red. She blinked and looked down at the weapon in her hand, wondering if it could possibly do that much damage. A grin slowly spread across her face. "Itachi-sama, look. I love you. Look what I've done for you. I'm coming, Itachi-sama, to be with you forever."_

* * *

Itachi looked around at the destroyed house, and wondered how one little girl could do that much damage. There was no way that she could have possibly done all that with just a katana. In her story she hadn't told him how she killed the townspeople, which she probably would have taken pride in. Did that mean that she had repressed it? Or that she never remembered in the first place? He looked outside. The rain had let up for the time being, though it would probably start again soon. He glanced at the now sleeping Tsukiko, who kept muttering strange things even in her sleep. He decided not to wake her. Instead, he would go down and explore the ravine that she told his about. Perhaps that was the source of her incredible power.

* * *

Author's Note -

I do believe that this is the biggest chapter yet, obviously due to that over-sized flashback. Hm... Well, I liked this chapter, (pats herself on the back for using kiddy language during flashback) anyway, the part about her father wanting to retrieve her body is kinda stupid because if the ravine is as deep as described, she would be nothing but paint on the bottom. That's physics that is.

Kisa: Shouldn't you do research before you write something like that?

DAR: I would, but this is (basically) a shit-and-giggles story that doesn't need research.

Kisa: In other words you're just lazy.

DAR: Well... yeah...

REVIEW!!!!!!

Or a murderous Kakuzu will appear on your doorstep and strangle you with his tentacles of awesomeness.

Oh yeah, still looking for Mary-Sues. Any from the Naruto fandom will do. They just have to like Sasuke and plastic and unrealistic. Try finding one in the whole fandom. sarasmsarcasm. They're like a friggin' plague.

On a totally random note, my desk squeaks when I type, so I'm just going to go away now.

DAR


	14. Sudden Attack and the Secret of the Moon

Many thanks to: greenteamoose

* * *

Last time on _The Woes of Itachi_!

_ He looked outside. The rain had let up for the time being, though it would probably start again soon. He glanced at the now sleeping Tsukiko, who kept muttering strange things even in her sleep. He decided not to wake her. Instead, he would go down and explore the ravine that she told his about. Perhaps that was the source of her incredible power._

* * *

Tsukiko's home village was at ten days behind them when it happened. 

It had come suddenly, like lightning, and before either of them could react.

The first strike was so fast that Tsukiko was almost sliced in half. Itachi had been luckier, and had managed to escape injury, but now sported a large tear in his cloak.

The two Akatsuki, bewildered and furious at the power of their invisible opponents stood in defensive stances, Itachi's Sharingan spinning hypnotically and practically glowing in the near darkness. Next to him, Tsukiko stuffed her guts back into her stomach and pulled her mutilated arm back together, tearing her shredded cloak sleeve off.

Before them landed about ten masked kunoichi, all dressed in ANBU-like uniforms, and sporting the words, 'Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub: Killing Division' on their chests. Tsukiko frowned and hissed in annoyance.

"Che. They're here already. I had hoped that the random Sasuke memorabilia that I left in the last village would have held them off a bit longer."

The kunoichi that appeared to be the leader, judging from her red sash, removed her mask with a flourish, revealing silky strands of glistening gold hair and eyes with more colors than the rainbow.

"I thank you for your gifts," she extracted a photograph of a topless Sasuke from her pocket and pressed it to her chest, "but in the name of Sasuke-kun, I, Hikari Sapphire Sakuya Midori Celestine Silverblade Moonchild-"

Tsukiko sweatdropped. "That's a really long name. What were your parents on when they named you?"

"SILENCE! I Princess Hikari Sapphire Sakuya Midori Celestine Silverblade Uzumaki Moonchild, commander-"

"Wait, wait, now you're a princess and an Uzumaki-"

"COMMANDER OF THE UCHIHA SASUKE FANCLUB KILLING DIVISION WILL KILL YOU, UCHIHA ITACHI, AND BRING YOUR HEAD TO SASUKE-KUN, MAKING HIM SPONTANEOUSLY FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AND MARRY ME! ATTACK! LEAVE NIETHER OF THEM ALIVE!!!"

Itachi dodged an incoming fangirl, making hand seals in preparation for Hosenka no Jutsu. Tsukiko meanwhile, rushed forward, her kodachi gleaming as she took on several of the masked fangirls, blood spurting from beneath her cloak as their blades pierced her body.

Itachi's technique, as it was about to reach the commander, was suddenly stopped in midair by a blast of ice crystals. Their creator landed on top of them and took off her mask, revealing a beautiful young woman with deep blue hair and bright blue eyes that were the exact color of the sky, except that they were brighter and uh, bluer, than any sky in human memory.

"I am Mika! Haku's long-lost sister, with his kekkei genkai, and container of the demon of the secret shinobi village of Kagegakure where I went after our father killed our mother and conveniently forgot my brother so that he could nearly die on the streets. My interests include dancing, singing, and shopping! I dislike men who are are not kind and especially murderers-"

At that moment, she was sliced in half by Tsukiko, who looked worse for the wear, clutching her left side painfully, and blood from an already healed gash over her eye staining half of her face.

"Enough long names and speeches! Listen up, you bastards! I'll protect Itachi-sama with my life! I won't let you shitheads lay a single filthy finger on him! I won't let you destroy my god!"

She threw down her kodachi and rushed the remaining forces, her tattered and blood spattered cloak streaming behind her.

"Die, heretics!" She screamed, jumping high into the air above the fangirls, her hands outstretched. A blue-white chakra formed in her palms and shot down at them with Tsukiko following it.

"Everything this holy light touches is my prey! Pray to your heathen gods for mercy in the afterlife, because you won't get any from me!"

Itachi watched as the strange light from Tsukiko's attack engulfed his brother's followers and saw the faint outlines of their bodies torn apart, their screams piercing the night. He had never seen her use any kind of chakra in battle, much less something of this nature. Even after it was all silent, the light remained, a glowing pillar reaching far into the sky.

A single person emerged from it, limping, and he immediately recognized the tattered cloak. Tsukiko, after two more hesitant steps suddenly stopped and fell forward onto the hard ground. As he came closer to his fallen partner, he heard a soft whisper,

"I'm sorry, Itachi-sama, I was so angry that I used too much chakra. I'm sorry..."

* * *

Author's Notes - 

Before anything else, I need to clear this up. Sasuke didn't send the fangirls. He believes in fighting his own battles. They're just a bunch of freaks that are in love with him.

On that note, UponYourBloodyCross, unfortunately, the Mary-Sue you sent me didn't fit the criteria, which sucks, because you're the only one that did. So these, uh, characters, if you want to call them that are my own creations. See? I can write subpar. And then I have to scrub my hands raw for making such evil things.

Anyway, onto next-chapter-related chatter...

OOH! CLIFFHANGER! So yeah, they battled an army of Mary-Sues and Sasuke Fangirls. Actually, it's just Tsukiko getting beat up and pretty much killing herself. (beats Kisa over the head) Why do I keep you around?! You inspire horrible fight scenes! And you! (points at Kaguya) Itachi didn't even say a single word! What the hell! (hides in emo-corner)

Kaguya: Please don't worry, she's just depressed that the story is almost over. And she'll have to work on her Hellsing project.

Kisa: Yeah, where did you put the mood stabilizers? She's crawling to the knife rack.

Kaguya: Oh dear.

Kyu: She's pretty pathetic when you think about it, her happiness depends on good reviews.

Kaguya: You didn't help. Spitting out a name that's twenty words long. The poor thing almost had a hand cramp typing that until we made her shorten it.

Kyu: Whatever.

Please review! Only one chapter to go!!!

DAR


	15. A Bright And Shining Moon

Many thanks to: greenteamoose, Sublime Angel, Unluckykat13

* * *

Tsukiko opened her eyes blearily and groaned at the unwelcome sunlight that streamed from a window in the corner of the room. Where was she? The last thing she remembered was the Sasuke Fanclub attacking them and her using her ultimate technique... 

She sat up quickly, her whole body screaming in pain and her eyes wide as she searched the room for any sign of her partner.

"What do you think you're doing?" Asked a cold but overwhelmingly familiar and welcome voice from the doorway. Itachi stepped into the room, holding a tray of dango and looking at her disapprovingly. Tsukiko's eyes began to water and with an unrestrained wail she began to cry if relief.

"Itachi-sama is alright! I'm so happy..." She sobbed, hugging her knees and burying her face in them. Itachi ignored her crying and sat down on the chair next to the bed, nibbling daintily on his dango. Tsukiko stifled her sobbing and turned her head to watch him eat. He paused and looked at her crossly, the bamboo stick from the dango hanging from his mouth.

"Tsukiko-chan has hardly ever seen Itachi-sama eat. Itachi-sama looks cute when he's eating."

Itachi sighed in annoyance. "I see you're speaking in third person again. You must be back to normal."

"Did Itachi-sama carry me here? I don't remember anything after I killed those heretics."

"I contacted Leader-sama, and he told me that I am not allowed to lose anymore partners because there's a 'shortage of proper villains worthy of the Akatsuki.' Don't think that you're so special."

Tsukiko smiled happily at him.

"It's sad though," she said, her gaze sliding down to rest on Itachi's left foot. "Itachi-sama was right there, his arms around me, holding me close to his heart, and I wasn't even awake to enjoy it."

"We're leaving in two days, so you'd better not do anything stupid like get up and open your wounds, because I don't feel like explaining to Leader-sama why my partner spontaneously combusted.

Tsukiko laughed, though Itachi's words held no humor.

"Thank you for taking care of me, Itachi-sama. I promise I won't worry you anymore."

"Don't flatter yourself."

"I apologize..."

* * *

"Ne, ne, Itachi-sama? Where are we going Are we going to go catch Naruto-kun?" 

She was answered with stony silence Looking up at her partner, Tsukiko smiled sunnily, too happy to be in his presence to be upset by his refusal to speak with her. After all, he had spoken more than previously considered possible for him, and she put it of as his voice recuperating.

So she bounced around, her shredded cloak long gone, handing out pamphlets to the ignorant populace about the wonders and joys of Itachi-ism.

Itachi sighed inwardly, and walked on, ignoring her as Tsukiko ran up to him and latched tightly onto his arm.

"Let go." He said in a monotone voice, and the only thing that could be heard as they walked into the sunset were the delighted words, "HAI, ITACHI-SAMA!!!!!"

* * *

Author's Note - 

Well that's the end, she didn't die, and he didn't fall in love with her.

The whole story reminds me of something like Ouran High School Host Club in the fact that they only get to the drama and the real story in the last two or three episodes. Hm... interesting... not. Just random chatter because I don't want to stop typing right now. I had some really strong coffee so I'm kinda hyper now. Check out my deviantart site:

Here be the url, without the spaces, duh: d a r k - a n g e l - r i s i n g . d e v i a n t a r t . c o m

Thanks to everyone who supported and reviewed this story!

DAR


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